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In Westminster this week, you’d have been forgiven for thinking that an election had already happened. A noticeably filled out Keir Starmer was in an ebullient mood. Perhaps Labour snuck in a landslide whilst most of us were on holiday. Or, more likely given the state of Rishi Sunak’s September in-tray, they didn’t even need to bother with the formality.
As part of his avuncular impression of a prime minister, Sir Keir gestured at a grey-looking child who was dressed as an estate agent. “He’s already made history!” hooted Sir Keir, wafting a treacly grin in the direction of new Baby of the House Keir Mather. This was at least accurate – those summer by-elections seem like a million years ago.
He was flanked by his new shadow cabinet; Sir Keir’s definitive stroke against his party’s left flank meant he was surrounded by a selection of Blairite curios warmed up: an unfinished PFI project, an ID card, a smirking fox, a dead Iraqi civilian.
Meanwhile, back on the still just-about-government benches, Mr Sunak wanted to reassure parents that his administration “was doing everything it can” to deal with unsafe concrete in schools. Even the Prime Minister sounded like he knew that this wasn’t very reassuring at all: shades of Airplane! “We hope you’re enjoying your flight and is there a doctor with a specialism in cardiac arrest of pilots on board?”
Starmer likened the Government to “cowboy builders” over their handling of the aerated concrete problem. “The cowboys are running the country”, he crowed. Frankly, this is giving a little too much street cred to His Majesty’s Government. It’s hard to imagine Mel Stride competing in a rodeo or Oliver Dowden shooting the sheriff (or, for that matter, the deputy), though one could picture Gillian Keegan savaging a buffalo. But then, understandably, Sir Keir steered well clear of saying that the country was run by Indians.
Perhaps the thing that most undermined Sir Keir’s assumed gravitas was the insistence of the House – off the back of the Education Secretary’s much-publicised comments – to make bum puns the order of the day. We had “posteriors” from Mary Glindon, “derrières” from Andy McDonald, “backsides” from Stephen Flynn. Bringing up the rear was Chris Law of Dundee West, who with the SNP’s usual subtlety, described Labour and Conservative as “two cheeks of the same a---”.
At this point, Speaker appealed to MPs for “more temperate” language. “The pride of this Parliament will shine through”, he insisted. Ha ha.
The Prime Minister valiantly tried to hold back the tide of bum jokes with some facts and figures, like a sort of nerd Rorke’s Drift. Statistics and policy schemes gushed forth, with growing peevishness.
There was a gleam of light when West Bromwich MP Nicola Richards pointed the finger at the latest Labour council to go bust. “They’ve bankrupted Birmingham, we can’t let them bankrupt Britain”, roared the PM. No, that’s the Conservative Party’s job. At least for now.
Sunak stages one-man Rorke’s Drift to hold back the tide of bum jokes
Sir Keir Starmer was on ebullient form, but his gravitas contrasted with the barrage of bad puns in the Commons