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On the night when Bournemouth knew they would be promoted to the top tier for the first time the jubilant supporters at Dean Court broke into song. None of the usual prosaic “we are going up” stuff; this was a special occasion. The crowd sang the theme tune to Match of the Day.
This is what ITV faces with its English Football League Highlights, a programme which can only be a downgrade from an institution. Relegation for Leeds, Southampton and Leicester means not just trips to Rotherham but a long channel hop to ITV4. And a far worse theme tune.
If going by its jazzy music, the hoped-for mood is glitzy gameshow. You expect hosts Jules Breach and Hugh Woozencroft to wander on screen in gold sequined jackets, applauded by an audience of pensioners who could not get tickets for Pointless. But this season the show has dispensed with both studio and pundits and seems to be on a Breach/Woozencroft squad rotation system in the lone presenter role.
The pundits are no great loss. Analysis on every incarnation of this programme was usually something like “Three [wins/defeats] in a row now, [Manager X] is [doing a great job/has a job on] [up/down] there.” On Saturday we were in the affable hands of Woozencroft, starting off in the middle of empty seats at the Hawthorns, later asking questions to Carlos Corberan and Michael Carrick. By the time he was also speaking to Middlesbrough’s Jonny Howson several minutes later it felt as if we had been watching interviews for longer than the match.
With as many as 72 teams to cover, getting the timing right is tricky. After nearly 30 minutes of the allotted 95 we had still seen only four teams, but the rest of the Championships and Leagues One and Two were rattled through at bracing speed. The nagging question remains: who is this for now? The notion of a Birmingham supporter interested enough to watch Barrow’s highlights is becoming fuzzier. Is there such a thing as a general fan of League One? Perhaps in Fleetwood, now in their 11th consecutive season at that level.
Even for them, Sky offers adequate two-minute highlights of every Football League game, all online before 7pm on Saturday. The EFL YouTube channel unhelpfully gazumped its own programme by posting 10 minutes of Southampton 2 QPR 1 in the hours before the ITV4 show had begun. In this context, who is anxiously waiting until nearly 10.30pm to catch a glimpse of their side?
But on its own terms there is something comforting about this format, especially after the lower-tier suckerpunch of losing the classified results and Jeff Stelling in quick succession. There is the parade of inherently silly nicknames: Baggies and Bantams, Lions and Lilywhites, Royals and Robins. There is the language you only really hear now in this context, goals “bagged” or “notched” and a lot of things going “from bad to worse”.
Most seductive is the sense of football being fun. The lower the league, the funnier the goals. This is some of the finest comedy now available on the freeview channels. Look at the penalty Carlisle conceded to Port Vale and find me a better joke from the last five years of Have I Got News For You?
As the Exeter City players were greeted by youths waving large flags, a boy misjudged his grip and threatened to maim one of his heroes. Ashley Barnes scored a Norwich penalty at Huddersfield in front of a hoarding displaying the words “GRITTY EYES”.
Two Sunderland players arrived at their game as if beginning eight consecutive life sentences in a maximum security prison, rather than a marginally preferable afternoon in Coventry.
Technically there is little wrong, other than some audio issues. There were two sets of cheers for all six of Swindon’s goals against Crawley and the crowd was mixed too loud to hear the commentator for anyone who had stuck around for the Newport vs Sutton glamour clash. This felt almost fitting, slightly knockabout.
The lie that the Championship is worth watching because it is competitive looks ever-more flimsy as parachute payments grow. The real appeal of the Football League is its lack of the top flight’s clinical sheen. Is that a viable television show? Perhaps not for much longer, but I will miss it when it is gone.
ITV’s Football League highlights provide some of TV’s finest comedy
Hosted by Jules Breach and Hugh Woozencroft, the real question is who wants to sit through Barrow's so-called highlights