10 sensible things that men refuse to do

I expect you know a man, a husband, a brother, a father who is a manbag refusenik. This man shudders at the thought of carrying a bag unless it’s a backpack for the gym or travelling. He does own a book bag but he’s not sure what to do with it.
What this man thinks is that he has pockets, and pockets are all a man needs. 

Back pocket of trousers or front inside pocket of jacket for wallet. Right trouser pocket for keys or phone. Left trouser pocket for tobacco pouch, loose change and – if of the older generation – cotton hanky, and so on. These men simply do not see the point of a flapping satchel or bag, because they have all the necessaries covered with pockets.

They don’t need a manbag and they don’t want one, any more than they want a manhairband or some state-of-the-art manscaping. They’re not against manbags (they definitely are) they just think pockets do the job … there’s room for a paperback in the jacket if you like. No problem.

I mention this because we are now into our sixth day without a car since the car key fell out of the pocket of his shorts at the beach in Suffolk last weekend. So far it’s cost us the towcharge home; the call-out fee to get the locksmith to release our valuables from the car (you’re thinking “try a coat hanger”, you forget the airtight modern car seal and the car alarm); the fee for the re-issue of a new computerised key which happens to be slightly more than the total cost of our two week staycation, plus the replacement car hire. And that’s before you even get started on the hidden costs to the trust in the marriage, the certainty of more micromanaging (“nagging”) and the only bag owner in the marriage henceforth having to carry the car keys along with everything else.

Refusal to carry a manbag is just one of several sensible things that many men refuse to do which they think is entirely their own business but, on the contrary, affects their friends and families. So we’re drawing a line and, as of now, the following unchallenged retro man habits will be (come with me on this one) mockable offences. It’s the only way.

Here are the others in the top 10 of which the manbag refusenik is almost certainly guilty:

• Refusing to wear specifically summer footwear in summer (yes you’ll have to fix your toenails but that’s not insurmountable).
• Refusing to wear sun cream (take a look at shiny red-faced David Beckham in that photograph with Reese Witherspoon if you want to see how that pans out).
• Never using a tray to eat supper in front of the TV, preferring instead to balance it on one knee so the sofa is covered in stains. Why? Is using a tray humiliating?
• Refusing to turn down the gas while cooking. Apparently there must be spitting fat to a radius of one foot minimum.
• Never emptying the last of the beer out of the can before recycling. Far better if the rubbish leaks beer all over the rubbish putter outer and they need a change of clothes.
• Not communicating with the barber/hairdresser. Say something or you’ll end up looking like a character in The Name of the Rose.
• Refusing to use a step ladder. When a buckling chair or small wobbly table will do.
• Refusing to hold the shopping underneath. And then being surprised when bottles rocket through the bottom and smash on the pavement.
• Refusal to wear gloves. Gloves in the snow, rubber gloves, gardening gloves, oven gloves – all rejected in favour of hand stripping and the occasional visit to A and E.

This all stops now.

More from Shane Watson: Why the famous undress to impress